1. Make sure it works
This should be a priority for any complete game, but some developers still fuck it up. I'm not too fussy about early access or beta builds; those are meant to help locate bugs and other nasty glitches. However, when I can't advance in the finished product because it's a broken mess or missing vital content, fuck you.
2. Fun is essential
If you want me to play your game, make it fun. The following things are not fun:
- Removing the ability to think, learn, explore, test, or plan
"All you need to do is run forward and press one button for the next 30 hours! That's it!"
"Struggling with this level? Just use the auto-complete feature and move on!"
- Pay to win/continue
"Jo Moneybags spent $100 on perks. You can't compete unless you do the same!"
"This task will be finished in 24 hours. But, pay $1.99 and it'll finish instantly!"
"All you need to do is run forward and press one button for the next 30 hours! That's it!"
"Struggling with this level? Just use the auto-complete feature and move on!"
- Pay to win/continue
"Jo Moneybags spent $100 on perks. You can't compete unless you do the same!"
"This task will be finished in 24 hours. But, pay $1.99 and it'll finish instantly!"
- Relying on fake difficulty in the interests of being "hardcore"
"Crappy controls and camera angles! Cheating AI! A delight for hardcore gamers!"
"Checkpoints? Maps? Those are for wimps!"
"Crappy controls and camera angles! Cheating AI! A delight for hardcore gamers!"
"Checkpoints? Maps? Those are for wimps!"
- Boasting about multiple ways to play, but few of them are viable (or screw you over completely)
"A character for every playstyle! But, you won't survive unless you follow this exact pattern."
"Yes, you can do that. *hours later* Oh, you actually did that? Well, you can't win now..."
- If I have to do one more fucking escort mission...
"I'm Dumb Fuck, the NPC you must protect! I'm going to run into the enemy's line of fire!"
"I'll blow all my MP/ammo/energy on these weaklings! Now I'm completely helpless!"
3. Graphics aren't the most important part of a game
I really don't give a shit if I can see every pore on a character's face, or that every leaf on a tree is modeled individually. It's lovely you can do that, and detailed graphics can add to a game. But if your game plays like a frozen turd, pretty graphics aren't going to save it.
4. Story should be done properly
If your game absolutely needs a story, then give it a good one. Make the story part of the game, and make it interesting. Don't just shove it into a codex, or rehash Great Game 52's plot. I want to know what's going on without having to read a plot codex every 5 minutes. I want an interesting story, not cookie cutter idiots fucking around for 30 hours.
And if you include cutscenes, give me the option to skip them. I'm sick of having to sit through cutscenes repeatedly because I messed up, the game crashed, or I had to quit before getting to a save point. Cutscene length is important, too. A couple minutes is fine; more than 10 is absurd. I'm here to play a game, not watch a movie.
"Yes, you can do that. *hours later* Oh, you actually did that? Well, you can't win now..."
- If I have to do one more fucking escort mission...
"I'm Dumb Fuck, the NPC you must protect! I'm going to run into the enemy's line of fire!"
"I'll blow all my MP/ammo/energy on these weaklings! Now I'm completely helpless!"
3. Graphics aren't the most important part of a game
I really don't give a shit if I can see every pore on a character's face, or that every leaf on a tree is modeled individually. It's lovely you can do that, and detailed graphics can add to a game. But if your game plays like a frozen turd, pretty graphics aren't going to save it.
4. Story should be done properly
If your game absolutely needs a story, then give it a good one. Make the story part of the game, and make it interesting. Don't just shove it into a codex, or rehash Great Game 52's plot. I want to know what's going on without having to read a plot codex every 5 minutes. I want an interesting story, not cookie cutter idiots fucking around for 30 hours.
And if you include cutscenes, give me the option to skip them. I'm sick of having to sit through cutscenes repeatedly because I messed up, the game crashed, or I had to quit before getting to a save point. Cutscene length is important, too. A couple minutes is fine; more than 10 is absurd. I'm here to play a game, not watch a movie.
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