Pirating Sucks, But You Won't Do Shit About It!

Oh, woe be to the poor companies and corporations that make content only to have it stolen by filthy pirates! The profit loss, the theft, the extra work on DRM...boo hoo hoo!

Hey, dipshits. Many pirates are willing to legally access or pay for your content; but, your dumb asses make it inconvenient or a complete rip off!

So, how about you start fixing your shit, instead of whining about the pirates "destroying everything?" Here are some things you should consider!

Your DRM and copy protection systems fucking suck.  Get rid of them!

You know what's a real nice slap in the face? Paying money for a product, then being told you can't use it, or having it barely function.

Always-on DRM: No internet connection? Servers down (or shut off forever)? Well, fuck you!

Copy protection on the product or in its coding: Did a specific area get damaged? Have you installed the software X number of times (even on the same device)? You're done! Piss off!

Copy protection included with software: Did you lose your manual or box? Can't navigate the complicated or incorrect instructions? Lose your product key? You are screwed. The end.

On top of that crap, sometimes the protection kicks in on a legitimate copy. Suddenly, the product is claiming to be stolen, and the paying customer can't use it! In the case of PC games, sometimes the DRM sucks back resources or limits settings to the point the game runs like shit.

This is why cracks and workarounds exist. Why buy a product that's strangled by DRM when the pirated copy works so much better?

Stop lying about your products or charging money for total garbage.

So, you want people to buy your product. You hype it up, make crazy claims, and boast about exciting features. But, you don't release demos or previews, and you forbid people from making pre-release or day one reviews. When the final product is released, it's riddled with bugs, contains nothing you promised, or just doesn't work. Then you get mad when people want refunds or find a workaround that makes the product functional or enjoyable.

Guess what? No one gives a shit if it cost you millions to make a product if it screws them over, or doesn't live up to the tons of hype you dumped out. They're going to be pissed off that you cheated them out of their money. Of course, you won't care until they start wanting refunds or getting cracked versions of your product.

How about this: make your product enjoyable and ensure it actually fucking works. Don't lie about what it can and can't do, or what it'll be able to do. Put effort into it, instead of focusing on how much money you can make with it. Release a proper demo or trial version.  Let people review the product. If you focus on not screwing people over, you'll find they're more willing to spend money!

Make things convenient and painless.

With the internet available to people, you'd think it'd be easier to legally access content. But, no. Enter region locks, stupid rules, and piles of excuses from companies who don't want to adapt.

People have gotten rid of cable TV due to how shitty and expensive it is. TV networks don't like that, so they limit what you can watch on their websites. They demand you have a cable provider to get instant access to new episodes. Or, they provide a tiny handful of complete episodes, while the rest of their offerings are 1 - 3 minute clips. And if a network offers their stuff on something like Netflix or Hulu, you can bet they'll limit what's on there, too!

Anyone familiar with or fluent in a foreign language could import games and movies that might not be available in their country. But, region locking prevents that, unless the person imports specific hardware, or just outright moves.

Oh, but wait! They can get around all that bullshit by pirating, or using other questionable means (e.g. VPNs, modchips) Who would've thought?

Dearest companies, people are more than willing to do things the legal way if you don't make it a complete brundlefuck. Either adapt to new technology and ideas, or continue whining about how you're being ruined by pirates. Your choice!

Availability issues suck for everyone.

This is a very common problem with games. Older games may not be available from a developer anymore, making them very rare. And expensive. Or, perhaps a game never saw a release in some areas, but people have heard of it and want to try it out. These people are stuck with two options: emulation, or dealing with a seller who might rip them off. Either way, the developers never see a dime.

Game soundtracks are also a tough one. Some older games have amazing music, but their soundtracks are either super rare, or non-existent. So, the only options are to rip the music from the game, download it somewhere, or (again) pay vast sums of money that won't make it to the developers.

Some developers have made smart moves, though. They'll port their games to other systems, or even re-release them on things like Nintendo's Virtual Console. Even better, they'll sell them at a decent price, so people don't have to shell out hundreds of dollars for a copy of a 20 - 30 year old game! And nowadays, some developers provide the option of buying a game's soundtrack, or certain songs!

Of course, only some developers do this.  Don't ask me why!

Okay, sometimes it IS about the money.

Things keep getting more and more expensive because of the assholes in charge economics. Most people pay for things like food, electricity, insurance, and rent. After all that's done, they don't have much money left. Even a $10/month subscription or one time payment of $15 looks insane to them. 

Kids don't know any better. A 10 year old who wants to watch his favorite show wants to do just that. He doesn't know that watching it on a random site means someone's losing money. Or, maybe he wants to pay, but mom and dad won't let him, or have told him to use the free method.

Of course, some people are just entitled shitheads who think they should get everything they want for free. Or they pirate because "Fuck greedy corporations and fuck Hollywood!  They suck and ruin everything!" Apparently, whatever it was wasn't ruined enough, because they still want to have/play/listen to/use it.

Stop lying and panicking about piracy.

So, you made millions from your product and people love it. But, then you say it'll be impossible to make a similar product in the future because of pirates.

I'm sorry, but are you fucking kidding me? Sure, pirating isn't right, but to say that it's destroying you while you roll in money is total bullshit. If you somehow really are strapped for cash to make another, similar product, we have things like Kickstarter and Indiegogo.

Also, companies who dish out copyright claims and take-downs on fair use content really piss me off. "It's not fair use!  It's piracy and copyright infringement!"  Learn the difference between theft and fair use, idiots! And God help you if you steal shit from other people while complaining about piracy and theft!

Seriously, why not try evolving with the rest of the world? Get your shit on Steam, GOG, iTunes, YouTube, Spotify, Netflix, Hulu, or one of the thousands of other distributors out there! Whatever your product, there's a place that'll sell it. Or, holy shit, maybe you could make your own online store and cut out the middleman!

Ugh, man.  That got long.  But, I'm sick of the "pirates ruin everything" argument that's been going on for decades now. If they really were destroying the movie, game, and music industries years ago, then why the fuck are those industries still going strong?

The Little Goblin That Could...Not?

No idea why, but I got an urge to play Dungeon Defenders again.  I wiped my save data to start fresh, and it's been fun learning everything again.  There are some painful moments (RNG screw, cheaters, ENEMY HEALERS), but there's fun to be had.

Like yesterday!  I wanted to get some levels and goodies, so I was messing around with survival mode.  I went with hard difficulty, hardcore on.  Come wave 8, things went to shit.  I got a bit too greedy, died, and watched as some of my defenses failed.  One of my crystals came under attack, and I couldn't defend it.  Game over, then.

But, wait!  Only one enemy was left to attack: a goblin, the weakest of the entire bunch.  He'd be hammering away for quite a bit.  I grumbled to my spouse about all the money and gear I'd be losing, then got ready to quit.

"Well, wait a sec," he said.  "The goblin could die if it takes too long to destroy the crystal.  The game might count it as being stuck."

I argued that the goblin was actually attacking the crystal, which counted as doing something.  But, I decided to wait it out.  Twang, twang, twang went the goblin's club on the crystal.  Down, down, down went the crystal's health. Three hits left.  Two hits left.  One....

And then he waddled away.

"What the FUCK?!" I screamed, right before my spouse and I burst into laughter.  Figuring the goblin decided to target the other crystal (for some reason), I kept the camera on him.  But, he didn't even try to go that way.  Where the hell was he going?

No.  He couldn't be.  No WAY.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!  YOU HAD THIS!"  More laughter, more wondering what happened, how and why it happened.  And after smashing at my turret a few times, the goblin did drop dead.  Of course, I got slaughtered next wave; however, I did snag a few goodies I would've missed had I quit.

I guess this is another "don't ever give up" story.  And another "Devs, please fix that" story.

Games of 2016 I Found Fun or Disappointing

This dude over here has got me wanting to make my own lists of goodies (AGAIN).  Have a gander at his writings, too!


FUN GAMES

1.  Stardew Valley

I waited years for this game to come out, and it was well worth it.  The graphics, the music, the gameplay, everything is bloody brilliant.  Stardew Valley was made by one person, and it blows some big company games out of the water.  It's heavily based on games like Harvest Moon, Rune Factory, and Animal Crossing, but offers so much more to do.  Localized versions, console ports, and multiplayer are in the works, as well!


2. Starbound

While Starbound has gone through some really rough development, it's certainly not a terrible game. Sure, some good things were removed (RIP Bouncy tech), while annoying things were added (the watering can absolutely sucks without mods).  In the end, though, Starbound is a great 2D sandbox game with plenty of goodies to find.  It's got an impressive selection of mods, too, so you can customize your experience to your liking!


3.  Princess Maker 2 Refine

My only experience with this series was with an unfinished, not-so-legal copy of Princess Maker 2. The game was a great life/raising sim, with nice RPG elements thrown in.  The Refine edition was released in Japan some time ago, but I never expected to see it. Thankfully, CFK Co. Ltd. brought it to Steam in all its glory, and for a reasonable price!  They're still ironing out some bugs and localization issues, but they're doing an amazing job!  There's talk of them releasing other games in the series, as well!


4.  Gnomoria

Dwarf Fortress is an amazing game with many complexities and tons of depth.  But, it was a bit too much for me. Then along came Gnomoria in Steam's Early Access branch, getting me back into the village management party! The game left Early Access in February with several QoL changes and mod support. However, the developer has been silent for some time now, even though there are still some bugs and issues to be fixed.  Despite that, Gnomoria comes with tons of goodies to keep you entertained for a long while.

5.  Overwatch

I only got to try this game during the free days back in September.  But, damn, what a fun time it was!  There's a wonderful selection of characters, each with their own powers, strengths, and weaknesses.  You can unlock different skins and animations for all of them, too!  There wasn't much in the way of maps and game modes, but what was there was absolutely brilliant.  I've been keeping my eye on the updates and news for this game, and I love where it's going.  Sadly, I can't afford to pick up the game at this time.  But, if you can, go for it!

UPDATE (11/24/2016): A couple buddies of mine were kind enough to get me and another friend of theirs copies of Overwatch!  And I've been playing the hell out of it!  Stay tuned for a review!



DISAPPOINTING GAMES


1.  Pokemon GO

I really wanted to like this game.  I really did.  Catching Pokemon around the house and neighborhood sounded like a blast.  But, the game was (and still is) very buggy and lacked the more entertaining parts of Pokemon games. What fun bits are there don't last long, and you will eventually hit the freemium pay wall, especially in rural areas. Trading, friend lists, and actual battles are non-existent (but may be added later).  Expect to catch the same 3 Pokemon over and over. Your only hope of finding your favorite Pokemon involves location spoofing and other fiddly junk, most of which will probably get you banned.  Stick to the other games in the franchise.


2.  Miitomo

Hoo boy.  I love the look of Tomodachi Life; gameplay videos got me wanting to buy it and a 3DS (never got them, though).  When Miitomo came out, it looked like a fun alternative.  You can make a Mii, and then interact with other Miis by asking and answering questions, and feeding the Miis candy.  You could earn points and other goodies through minigames and tasks/achievements.  But, it all got old very fast, and that pay wall also came up fast.  This just made me want Tomodachi Life even more.


3.  Kaboom Monsters

This game is like Triple Triad, a game which I've grown to like.  But, it has a few twists.  You can equip stuff to your cards, combine them into stronger cards, and make a deck of up to 15 critters.  Cards also have a set amount of time they can remain on the board.  When that time's up, KABOOM.  They're gone, leaving empty cells for new cards.  I picked up the game for free on the App Store, and I've been having fun with it.  But, it is plagued with loading screens (think Sonic 2006), crashes, and odd bugs.  And I sense the pay wall approaching, because the game isn't giving me any of those badass cards the opponents have.  But, I found another surprise: the game isn't even complete, despite being on the App Store.  Kaboom Monsters is in Steam Early Access for $2.99!  Not cool, devs.


4.  Mighty No. 9

I backed this game years ago, hoping it would lead to more fun things from Comcept.  I've never been good at the Megaman games, but I had some fun and know that people love them.  I thought maybe Comcept would do something interesting with their ideas for Mighty No. 9.  Sadly, that never happened.  While they showcased good ideas during development, several of the better ones got scrapped for less than enjoyable ones.  Even the graphics went from great to shoddy.  I can't even bring myself to boot this up and try it out.  Just watching gameplay videos makes me cringe because I know I'll be heading for a huge load of frustration.  Maybe Red Ash will be enjoyable (if it ever gets made).

How to Become a Gamer

You'd think by now more people would've figured out what a gamer is and how to be one.  Sadly, this isn't the case.  Most are too busy arguing over stupid shit while they try to define what a gamer is.

It's really not that hard to become a gamer.  You just have to follow these steps.


1.  Enjoy playing videogames

This step is simple!  Play videogames, preferably ones you like.  Congrats!  You're a gamer!

And that's it.  Now, off you go!

No, seriously.  That is all you have to do.  Yes, there are different types of gamers, but they all do the same thing in the end.  Some of them don't realize this because they're warring over consoles, genres, companies, gender, or reviews.  Or they keep trying to define what a "true" gamer is by spouting elitist bullshit and looking down on others.

Ignore the stupidity.  Find something you like to play, then play it.

Stardew Valley

System: PC, Mac, Linux (console releases coming Q4 2016)
Players: 1 (multiplayer update in the works)
Rating: All ages (alcohol use, tobacco use, mild cartoon violence, mild sexual content, sensitive topics)
DLC: Yes (soundtrack)
Website: Stardew Valley

Four or five years ago, I saw info about Stardew Valley, and was immediately hyped.  I've played similar games, but I always felt there was something missing from them.  After a long wait, I snapped up Stardew Valley on Steam and jumped right in.

In Stardew Valley, your grandfather leaves you the deed to his farmland.  After tiring of your soul-sucking job at the Joja Corporation, you move to a small town in Stardew Valley.  Upon reaching the farm, you find it's become an overgrown mess.  You also find that the Joja Corporation has set up a supermarket in town, and plans to bulldoze the old community center to make room for a warehouse.  You've got your work cut out for you!

You start the game by customizing your character and farm.  There are many options for your character, and all of them can be used on both genders.  So, if you want to play as a bearded lady with blue skin, go for it!  You'll also get access to different hats and boots later in the game, as well as the ability to change your appearance (for a fee).

You can choose one of five layouts for your farm.  Standard gives you lots of room for buildings and crops, but has no other benefits.  Wilderness also has a good amount of space; however, monsters spawn at night, making it easier to boost your combat skill and get some extra loot.  The other farm types cut down on farming and building space, but give you different benefits.  Riverland gives you viable fishing areas right on your farm.  Forest makes it easier to collect wood and forageable items, while Hill-top gives you a place to mine ore and rock.  Since there's no save file limit, you're free to try out all of the farm types to see which one works for you!

At first, you're limited in what you can do on your farm and in town.  You have a handful of seeds and cash, mediocre tools, little energy, a tiny house, and restricted inventory space.  Once you've done some work, though, more and more options become available to you.  Maybe you'll grow lots of crops, or turn your farmland into an orchard.  Or a ranch.  Or a winery.  Maybe you'll do absolutely nothing with the farmland, and make a living by mining and fishing.  It's totally up to you.

One of the other great parts of the game is the townsfolk.  Get to know them, and they'll give you gifts and recipes, and tell you what other townsfolk like or dislike.  You'll even learn more about their lives, and this is where that "sensitive topics" bit comes in.  Abuse, alcoholism, depression, and war-induced PTSD are dealt with by some of the townsfolk, and it gets pretty dark at times.  Thankfully, you can bring some joy into their lives: give them gifts, complete quests for them, or just lend an ear. Maybe you'll even get married to someone!

Or you can just piss them off by giving them garbage and firing rocks at them with a slingshot.  Or maybe you'll just get tired of your spouse and file for divorce, leaving them hurt and miserable. Again, it's up to you!

For a mere $15, Stardew Valley offers a huge amount of fun.  And more updates are on the way, including multiplayer!  If you're a fan of Harvest Moon, Rune Factory, or Animal Crossing, definitely give this game a shot.